Chapter 1: Discovering sexual feelings and questioning my sexuality.
If your reading this then sit, get a toy and get cosy because you are about to read the inner workings of my mind. Well the sexy bits at least.
So, let’s go back to the very beginning. Not my birth. Don’t worry, I’m not that depraved. I would say I was probably 13 years old when I started getting thoughts of an incomprehensible nature. Well now I just call it being horny. But I was laying in the bath and I got hard. I thought to myself I can’t bloody clean down there with you like this, but I tried any way. To my surprise I enjoyed the sensation. So, I kept going and going and then eventually the expected conclusion occurred. My first orgasm, and boy was it good. I had nether felt such a surge of pleasure before. Emanating from down there and almost instantly spreading across my whole body. Every muscle tensed up at the same time and then released. I was dripping with sweat even while being in the bath, and I felt completely relaxed.
Funny as the following day, randomly people in my class joked saying what did you get up to last night, wank. My awkward smile gave it away.
Well after that point I came to realise orgasming is addictive. But at that time, I had nothing to think about except the end result. Slowly thou, I began to think of Girls at school in a different way.
I would admire their bums, outlines of their breasts and eventually intrigue about what is under the skirt. I didn’t act upon it in the typical way thou, considering I was shy, a southerner in the North and weird. Well I’m still weird or as my Alpha says, Unconventional.
I did have the odd thought about guys but more of admiration and envy, as the possibility of me being gay was not allowed. I was bullied as it was. I didn’t need something else as fuel.
So subconsciously I became a heterosexual. I would grow up, get a girlfriend, marry and live a normal life.
After I gained the courage one day to type in PORN into google, worried that somehow my parents would see by looking through the deleted history. Yes, I overthink things. I was presented with a website called Pornhub and Squirt. Well I clicked Squirt and discovered was a gay porn site.
Curiosity got the better of me and I watched a couple videos. The videos where crap in comparison to the stuff I look at now but at the time they did the trick. Funny as I am so stubborn that at this time, I still refused to even consider the notion I was gay. I was repulsed by the idea, so much so that after I had finished watching gay porn, I would feel disgusted with myself, dirty and then repeat the mantra, I’m not gay. I became reclused in the sense that any sexual conversations at school or with my friends would result in me awkwardly avoiding saying anything. Plus, the fact that my father isn’t exactly the most liberal person and his humour would be considered racist and homophobic. It wasn’t until recently that he learnt what non-binary was. It’s probably why my human self is vindictive, deeply unhappy, sadistic and egocentric. Not to mention a proper arsehole sometimes.
Well it wasn’t until about the age of 16 that I finally accepted in myself that there was a possibility that I was gay. But I would never be able to act on it. So I decided that I would live the “normal” life that society and my family wanted me to have.
My mother knew thou. She would ask if I was or is there anything I wanted to talk to her about. God I wish I had at that point but live and let live. I always categorically denied it. But some of her friends where lesbian and there gaydars were pinging when I would talk or act. People at school would call me a fairy or gay boy. So I locked away my secrets. I wouldn’t let anyone know what was going on up in my head or any of my personal life. I became socially awkward and cut off save my very close friends whom I still keep to this day. 5 in total.
Around the same time thou there was a video of a man living as a dog on Good Morning Britain. I think it was GMTV at that point. That made me interested in what it was. But because I didn’t want to act on anything that could compromise me I closed the thought off bar the porn videos. I became very head strong and in control of my own desires and thoughts.
End of Chapter.