Rejection and regret.

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Published On Friday, January 11, 2019
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I had this friend for as long as I can remember. His ex (they broke up over a decade ago) was my friend since kindergarten. We were like family. I had feelings for him for a long long time but couldn’t get myself to tell him. None the less, I took him on multiple out of state trips, concerts in manhattan, let him vent my ear off and do everything couples do. He seemed so happy to do that, and always told me he looked forward to our next adventure together. 

Not too long ago he ended up in a shit relationship. When he was venting to me I mentioned that I wanted to ask him out before she grabbed him. He said he loved me too and even said to that gf he wanted to date me instead. 

I could have sworn I still had a chance and there were lingering feelings. But I didn’t want to force myself on him. I wanted him to come to me because It felt like he would. He was always so physically close even when he was with that other person. 


Fast forward to to this week: something told me not to fully admit to anybody I loved him. But I spoke to my kindergarten friend she was super helpful and somewhat supportive. She reminded me he’s not only an emotional train wreck, but a player as well. But still was willing to mention in conversation when she sees him if he has any feelings for me because he’s really hard to read. 

After I left he started message bombing me about how he’s all broken hearted and upset how I was talking with my old friend... I told him the only reason why I was with this friend was to get advice. And that I had feelings for him. I only wanted what was best for him and want to be that special person with him. 

His resonce was “I can’t take this anymore”. Nothing but anger and he left my messages unread after that. I was hurting inside. 

We did hang out the day after that and he was distant. No long hugs like he used to and no eye contact either. Even the next out of state trip I spend my whole paycheck on he seems uninterested in. That loving feeling I thought we shared is gone. 

It feels like I should have kept my mouth shut and keep all my feelings and dreams and hopes to myself. I know there are many others out there, but this one was special. And not I’m afraid outlet friendship is damaged. 

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